Home > Random > 330 Quotes, abridged

If you're in Alpha Phi, it's a requirement that you can polish knob.
-- Mark

It must be easiest to get in from British Columbia.
-- Mark on the Miss Teen USA Pageant

Look at that boat!
-- Mark's initial reaction to a Karen McDougal spread in Playboy

Chris: No pink in this house.
Kevin: Except for pussy.

If you've got four girls waking up in the mourning and six guys, Scott's got a problem.
-- Chris

Anybody know a bookie?
-- Scott

I just need to start dating JP.
-- Kevin

Kevin: Why do you want to call Kinsey?
Mark: 'Cause we're going out.

I deal in reality. The reality of making stuff up.
-- Tom

I tried to count all of my farts yesterday.
-- Tom

I wanna nail a 300-pound woman.
-- Mark

I'm going to donkey-punch my wife.
-- Kevin

Yes, I'm gay. Sally Anne is really a man.
-- Tom

Tom: Got your woman's ride.
Chris: No, it's my ride.

Every time she looks down, she sees it. Think about it.
-- Kevin

I can see my bed getting wet tonight.
-- Mark

Can you imagine how cool it would be to be a Backstreet Boy?
-- Mark

I'll let you know in four to six weeks if it's true.
-- Kevin on Dirty-Birdie

There's nothing worth stealing here except my virginity.
-- Mark

The cool thing about Lifetime is that women are always getting raped on it.
-- Chris

I think I caught some kind of illness from Kinsey.
-- Mark

I've shocked you before.
-- Mark, to Kinsey

My asshole hurts.
-- Mark

Mark McCoy's Book of Wisdom, abridged

  • The only thing that makes sense to me is gas.
  • White boxers [and] juicy farts don't mix.
  • Night Train can do whatever it wants.
  • Augmentation is good for everyone.
  • Shit-talking is a way of life.
  • You can't blay Beirut with twizzlers.
  • Ambulances are stupid.
  • I hate tomorrow.
  • Only dumbasses go to church.
  • What's great about midgets is: whether they're paid or not, they're still entertainers.
  • I'm gonna go drink, you know, because that's what I do.
  • There is no such thing as 'half-Jew,' my friend. There is whole Jew or no Jew.
  • Fuck plural.