If you're in Alpha Phi, it's a requirement that you can polish knob.
-- Mark
It must be easiest to get in from British Columbia.
-- Mark on the Miss Teen USA Pageant
Look at that boat!
-- Mark's initial reaction to a Karen McDougal spread in Playboy
Chris: No pink in this house.
Kevin: Except for pussy.
If you've got four girls waking up in the mourning and six guys, Scott's got a problem.
-- Chris
Anybody know a bookie?
-- Scott
I just need to start dating JP.
-- Kevin
Kevin: Why do you want to call Kinsey?
Mark: 'Cause we're going out.
I deal in reality. The reality of making stuff up.
-- Tom
I tried to count all of my farts yesterday.
-- Tom
I wanna nail a 300-pound woman.
-- Mark
I'm going to donkey-punch my wife.
-- Kevin
Yes, I'm gay. Sally Anne is really a man.
-- Tom
Tom: Got your woman's ride.
Chris: No, it's my ride.
Every time she looks down, she sees it. Think about it.
-- Kevin
I can see my bed getting wet tonight.
-- Mark
Can you imagine how cool it would be to be a Backstreet Boy?
-- Mark
I'll let you know in four to six weeks if it's true.
-- Kevin on Dirty-Birdie
There's nothing worth stealing here except my virginity.
-- Mark
The cool thing about Lifetime is that women are always getting raped on it.
-- Chris
I think I caught some kind of illness from Kinsey.
-- Mark
I've shocked you before.
-- Mark, to Kinsey
My asshole hurts.
-- Mark
Mark McCoy's Book of Wisdom, abridged
The only thing that makes sense to me is gas.
White boxers [and] juicy farts don't mix.
Night Train can do whatever it wants.
Augmentation is good for everyone.
Shit-talking is a way of life.
You can't blay Beirut with twizzlers.
Ambulances are stupid.
I hate tomorrow.
Only dumbasses go to church.
What's great about midgets is: whether they're paid or not, they're still entertainers.
I'm gonna go drink, you know, because that's what I do.
There is no such thing as 'half-Jew,' my friend. There is whole Jew or no Jew.
Fuck plural.
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