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   The Quotes Page
btw, don't forget about the watermelon poetry

Freshman year, in no particular order
Jump to sophomore year

Steve: "ANY relationship is worth throwing away to be on the Jerry Springer Show."

Chris: "Well, I'm not going to argue cause I know nothing here."

Jamie: "Remember that women's basketball recruit that stayed with Molly and Kristi?"
Chris: "Vaguely."
Jamie: "I miss her."

Patrick: "All I want is to do something sketchy this weekend."

Michelle: "You're going to spend more time with me because I'm faster than your network is."

Scott: "In High School, we used to play Extreme Chemistry."

Chris: "Jamie has big woofers."

Jamie:  "Ranisha, that stupid ho."
Alex: "Hey, don't take the Ho's name in vain."

Sruti: "That sounds sycophantic. I don't want to kiss Joshua Bell's ass."
Amanda: "Yes you do, you do want to kiss his ass. Physically."
Sruti: "No, maybe not his ass. Maybe not kiss. I want to something his something. Most definitely."

Felicia: "Ralston, what happened to your hair???"

Ralston: "I was baptized Jewish."

Vince: (Watching Jerry Springer's Too Hot for TV) "This is so important."

Chris: "Don't you have a Knot Theory presentation today?"
Jamie: "Yeah, I'm presenting my penis to the TA."

Jamie: "She SO wants me."

Ralston: "I was so drunk last night, I would have fucked Shea."

Karoun: "Jamie, it would be really weird having sex with you."
Jamie: "Karoun, if you could have sex with any one of us, which would it be?"
Karoun: "All three of you."
Karoun: (aside) "You're going to put that quote on the page, aren't you?"
Chris: "Probably."
Mike: "Ha! You should put that on the page."

Alex: I am NOT Asian!! If I were fucking Asian, I would
be fucking working in the fucking library down in fucking D-level,
in my own fucking seat, doing fucking Orgo.

Chris: "Mike, what do you thing about the future progress of the human mind?"
Mike: "I think I'm coming along quite nicely."

Michelle: "Did anyone call my room at 4:00 AM?"
Ralston: "Which night?"

Alex: "Don't do anything gay right now, please."

Mike: “You must remember, Chris, that you will always come up against the
insurmountable fact that I am smarter than you.”

Mike: “I have this relentless biological urge to mate.”

Chris: “Mike, I think you’re taking this too far.”
Mike: “It hasn’t been taken far enough.”

Michelle:  "I know how to say This is a well-designed zoo in German."

Scott: "I bet Ralston reproduces asexually, like yeast."
Ralston: "At least yeast gets pussy once in a while."

Mike: "If Jewel is a man then I don't want to be straight."

Sruti: "Have you ever seen a live cadaver?"
Chris: "A 'live cadaver'?"
Sruti: "Yeah. It's fucking weird."

Jamie: "Ralston's fucked up. Just being Ralston."
Jon: "Is this the whole gay-hippy-in-a-banker's-son's-body thing?"
Jamie: "YES there you go."
Jon: "Actually . . . I think Chris is a-sexual. If he is to reproduce, it'll be by budding or through Macromedia Director."
Jamie: "Buding. Definitely budding."

Jamie: "Did you ever play StreetFighter2, and pause it when Chun-Li would go
up for a kick so you could see up her dress?"

April: "How are you?"
Ralston: "Super! Thanks for asking!"
April: "Oh my God you got some from Alex didnt you?"

Alex: Goddammit I'm not gay! Why do I keep getting dragged into this. Just
becuase Ralston's gay doesn't mean I am.

Mike: I was so disappointed with you today. I came back to the room,
and the door was closed. But it wasn't locked, and you weren't getting any.
I want grandchildren someday, Chris!

Patrick: "I wonder what Ralston would be like as a girl. I wonder if he'd keep himself clean."

Ralston:  "I'm suffering through my third straight day of olfactory hallucinations."

Ralston:  "So, what's up?"
Jamie:  "Not me, . . . anymore."
Alex:  "Oh my God."

Ralston: "You are such a freaking dork!"

Chris: "Where are Michelle, Sruti, and Ralston?"
Jamie: "Don't know, don't know, don't care."

Ralston: "Michelle, I'm really really really really sorry for doing that."
Michelle:  "You're pretty scared here aren't you?"
Ralston:  "Yeah."

Mike: "Why can't you be as smart as Ralston?"

Ralston: "I'm secure in my insecurity."

Mike: "Chris's dad was a Black Panther in the '60s."

 Mike: “I sentence the zits on my face to Death by Oxycution!”

Chris: "At this school, I could make a fortune as an Orgo bounty hunter."

Michelle:  "We're not going there because . . . uh, that's just not where we are going to go."

Scott: "Okay, I'm caught in a rundown between third and home. My girlfriend
is the catcher, and I'm waiting for her to drop the ball so I can
slide on in. Of course, her father is the third baseman with a mitt
in one hand and a rifle in the other. . . . And the third base coach is
standing there saying, 'I told you not to go!' Then they called the game: rain."

Mike: "I just thought of something insanely inappropriate."

Scott: "Jamie is like Dumbo's mom. She was totally complacent until
someone really pissed her off--then she went ape! Hey, Jamie's a
big guy, I don't want to see him ape. He could take down the whole circus."

Jamie: "It's colder than a witch's left tit in a brass bra on the dark side of the moon."

Mike: "Chris could be getting more ass than the toilet seat."

Mike: “Hugo, don’t you have any exams?”
Hugo: “I dunno. I might. Maybe tomorrow.”
Mike: (beaming aside) “I’m so proud of him!”

Jen:   "At the beginning if you were to get everyone in a room and have me
point to the one I thought was gay, I would have pointed at Ralston. I still
don't know what his sexual orientation is. I'm not sure because he's always talking
about getting it up the ass."
(10 minutes later Ralston walks in and pinches Alex's ass)

Mike: "Are you thinking of defecating right now, Chris?"
Chris: “Mike, you are God's defecation.”

Mike: "I have lesbian fantasies."
Michelle: "Most guys do."
Mike: "I have this fantasy of two lesbians coming in here, picking up the room, and then leaving."

Chris: “I’m not addicted to caffeine! I take it all the time!”

Mike: “When Chris’s life isn’t going the way I want it to, I get involved, and I think it’s time to get pro-active.”

Mike: “With Michelle, it was all about sex. And I wanted love.”

Mike: “So you’re going back to that liking Kara thing? That was going pretty good.”

Ralston: "Okay, I'll see you guys later. I'm going to go masturbate now."

Jamie: "This shit's easy. I'm not going to study."
Jon: "You're not going to study for Orgo?"
Jamie: "Nope."
Jon: "Jamie, you are the strength of the curve."

Mike: "Boy do I smell!"

Ralston: "Hey, I like this music! What is this?"
Jamie: "John Tesh."

(On AOL Instant Messenger)
Sruti: "Who is this?"
Chris: "Guess."
Sruti: "Chris?"
Chris: "Nope."
Sruti: "Michelle?"
Chris: "No."
Sruti: "Mom?"

Chris: "Mike, doesn't your alarm clock work?"
Mike: "Yeah, you always wake me up."

Chris: " . . . and then we sprawled naked on the floor, Jell-O wrestling in the throes of passion.
Then we made love until dawn."
Mike: "You're lying."

Patrick: "Where'd you get that picture of Shea?"
Mike: "It comes with Windows 95, it's kinda weird."

Jon: "I'd actually peg Ralston at 78.36% gay 8% "other" and 13.64% straight. Jamie rings in with 36.27%
straight, 5.44% gay and 58.29% Yanni."
Jamie: "It's 6.27% straight, .44% gay, and 93.29% Yanni."
Jon: "I think Langbien is . . . hmm, well I think that's a question science should never answer."
Jamie:  "And THAT is a good point."
Jon: "Mich-ELLE!"
Jamie:  "I'd say 27% straight, 0% gay, 5% Michelle, 13% Belittling Ralston, and 55% Starwars."
Jamie:  "Oh shit, make that .5% michelle, 4.5% his computer"
Jon: "16.25% straight,  10.75% gay."
Jamie: "No.. he is NO gay."
Jamie:  "There isn't a gay tendancy in him."
Jon: "14.80% computer then."

Mike: "Frats are all about beer and giving each other the finger."

 Scott:  "You better not mess with me. I'm drinking milk! Someday I'll be as big as your mother."

Mike: “Chris, girls just don’t come knocking on your door.”
Chris: “Yes, they do.”
Mike: "Ha! That's funny because it's true."

Michelle: "I'm such a badass."

Michelle: "I'm tired of treating you like shit. . . It's lost it's novelty."

Vince: "Come on.  Don't you remember,  when late at night your mom would
lock you in the bathroom and you'd sit on the toilet, defecating in protest?
And after a while you became so comfortable you fell asleep."

Mike: "Can I borrow some loose-leaf paper?"
Chris: "Didn't you get your own notebook, Mike?"
Mike: "Nope."
Chris: "Then how do you take notes in class?"
Mike: "By rote."

Mike: "Chris, this Sam guy does stuff I wouldn't do in a million years and you wouldn't do in 10 million."

Sruti: "What was that Mexican guerilla fighter's name? The political prisoner."
Kiran: "Hitler?"

Chris: "This is really sketchy. I'm going to thoroughly enjoy this."

Sruti: (to Mike) "Someone's getting defensive!"
Mike: (to Sruti) "Well that's cause someone else is getting offensive."
Chris: "The best defense is a good offense."

Mike: “Let’s build a fort!”
Jamie: “I thought it was church night?”
Mike: “Well then let’s build a church!”

Chris:  "I feel like shit. Maybe it's from all the sex."
Jamie:  "You can't have any less than zero."
Chris:  "Wanna bet?"

(Sruti winks at Chris)
Michelle: "Don't wink at him!”

Chris:  "My computer talks dirty to me."

Jamie:  "Magnus is a cool name.  I'm going to name my first kid Magnus, and my
second one Warsaw."
Mike: "WARSAW!  That's such a cool name! I want to have sex now so
I can have a kid and name it Warsaw!"

Chris: "Michelle, you are God's tribute to the ideal female.
Your hair is like . . . expensive metal, and you are such a babe.
Many times I cannot sleep because I am so horny due to you.
If I ever take you for granted, I will not be able
to live with myself.  You are not a bitch.  You are a genius,
motivated, and very very cool.  I wish I could be like you."

Mike: "I walked in and Chris was wearing a golf visor and nothing else."

Chris: "Mike, it's 3:13. It's my bedtime."
Mike: "Well now it's 3:14, so I guess you'll have to wait another 24 hours."

Felicia: "I hate this, chris... I almost cried... or peed in my pants... I don't really know which...."

Sruti: "That's so cool! Can you send me that? Oh wait . . . goddammit! It's an Apple ad!"

Sruti: “Did you have any black people in your high school?”
Mike: “My school was as white as Madeline’s ass.”

Mike: "She’d be pretty if she didn’t have facial hair.”

Mike: Dear Chris,
You are a fuck-nut.  You couldn't even manage to forward an email to me
properly.  It's a good thing I never had any respect for you, because
you would have lost it all with this.

Mike: “Wanna hear my motto?”
Sruti: “What?”
Mike: “Me, me, me!”

Alex: "Oh no! I have this brown stuff all over my hands!"
 .
Alex:  "I bet gay people really piss you off right now."
Jamie:  "Hell yeah, when I see Ralston next time, I'm gonna deck his ass."

Felicia: "I think all this ice cream is shrinking my stomach."

Kiran: "What would it be like if the world were covered in milk instead of water?"

Michelle: "Ralston is an ad for birth control.”

Anonymous Suitemate: "Hmmmm . . . do you find Golob a little effeminate?"

Mike: (having just woken up) "You talk like a bottle of paper towels . . . you know, like, a bottle of paper towels."

Mike: (having just woken up) "The end of the preposition is a proposition, not a proposition.
The construciton that the end of a sentence should never end in a preposition."

Mike: “You're just trying to get me off the phone, aren't you?”
Michelle:  “Yeah, slightly.”

Alex:  "Don't you have Physics to study for?"
Jamie: "Yeah whatever."
Alex:  "Don't you want to study so that you don't dig yourself into 
a hole like you did in LinAlg and Orgo?"
Jamie:  "Hey Alex, you wanna go fuck yourself?"
Alex: "No, I have Archeology to study."

Chris: “I was forbidden from heroin.com.”

Ralston: “Is he going to have sex with the dolphin?”
Chris: “Why do you think they call those things blowholes?”


Sophomore year, reverse chronological order
top

Jamie: When you're on the shitter, talking to someone you 
dont' want to hear the toilet flush, always leave yourself a note to go 
back and take care of that, or the next morning your 
bathroom becomes unusable.

Vince: If you could combine me and Ralston, we'd be thesexiest human being alive.

Lana: If it gets any bigger, it won't fit in my mouth.

Chris: Dude, I saw a great deal: dual-deck VCR for $120.00. 
It has one-button cassette copying.
Jamie: Why the fuck would you need that?
Chris: To duplicate cassettes really quickly and easily.
Sarah: I need a cheap VCR, too. But I need all the buttons.

Jamie: I tried to help Michelle and her physics friend with 
a problem today. It was kinda difficult cause her friend's breasts 
were inviting me to pull them out of their strained bra and play with them.

Jamie: Thursday night?
Chris: Okay, if I'm not at the after-prom I'll help you out.

Chris: I think I'm losing my voice.
Jamie: Then stop fucking talking.

Ralston: Blood and semen soaked shit is really nasty. 
Mostly because of the blood. 
(beat) 
And the semen.

Jamie: Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ on a stick!
Vince: Oh wait, he is on a stick.

Chris: I'm glad I'm ripped.

Jamie: I had a great weekend. Now Banger's not here, I can 
sit here and watch full-length movies and play with myself.

Patrick: I dont' understand how all this shit got out h--whoa six cents
. . . oh, wait is that a cough drop?

Vince: (watching gay asian porn) I feel so good about myself right now.
Ralston: I'd be pretty disappointed if I was that other guy.

Patrick:  You hear all about the guys that developed shit for 
dupont and nylon, but what about the guy 
that developed Depends?  I bet he's sitting around 
one day, and his kid's shitting all over the floor, and 
he realizes that his dad is, too, and he 
says, "Hey, if I put a diaper on my dad . . . "

Chris: Dude, check out this shower. It's nasty.
Patrick: (sniffs) It smells like donuts in here.

Sarah: How does this work? I just take one or two of these 
bad boys and slide them in?

Chris: [weilding chair] "I'VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH 
OF THI- whoa, is that my pledge pin?"

Joe: I just need to find a nice girl with low self esteem. 
That would solve so many of my problems here.

Sarah: So, Ralston, what are you? What's your sexuality?

Ralston: I'm glad I'm not a girl or I'd take off my shirt for everyone.

Ralston: Jamie, if I emailed you a picture of this girl, could you 
go to your porn connections on the web and 
find the rest in the series for me?

Joe: I got my VCR today?
Chris: Did your TV arrive?
Joe: No, so I think I'll just listen to the Star Wars Trilogy.

Sarah: What would you like me to do with that?
Jamie: <shocked>
Sarah: . . . Pretzel? . . . Pretzel!!"

Sarah: Last night I felt kinda guilty when I had eight 
guys freakin' me at the same time.

Patrick: For a while I thought I had Parkinson's. It's a good thing 
that twitch went away.

Jamie: So she wants you?
Chris: Yeah, but she ain't gettin' any a this.

Jamie: You don't have nice breasts.
Chris: Yes, I do.
Jamie: Oh yeah, I guess you do.

Scott: (reading the quote page) "What's a GO-lob?"

Vince: So what have you been up to?
Ralston: Sex.

Vince: Thank you, Jamie. Thanks for the food. You know, it 
really filled up my tummy. And, by filling my tummy, you are 
indirectly filling my rectum.

Sarah: The first time I came I was really young. . . . The best thing
about not being a guy is not having to worry about getting 
cum on the sheets.

Chris: I need Diet Pepsi along with my beer.

Patrick: My tit hurts. I need a girl to massage my tit.

Jamie: We gotta go in the hot tub tonight.
Chris: I didn't bring a bathing suit.
Jamie: Me neither. I'm just going to go naked.
Chris: Then nobody else will go in with you.
Jamie: Yes, they will.
(pause)
Chris & Jamie: Ralston!

Chris: The only part of my body that doesn't hurt is my dick.
Patrick: That's because you haven't gotten any ass.
Chris: Yeah, when I get ass, everything's going to hurt.

Jamie: PersianKitty is down.

Joe: I could go to SigEp . . . and be the coolest guy there.

Chris: Turn the techno back on, I need to think.

Chris: Fucking jhunix is down again!
Patrick: Good thing I unsubscribed to the Dawson's Creek mailing list.

Chris: So what movie do you want to watch?
Jamie: Boyz N the Hood
Chris: How about Dead Poet's Society
Jamie: Oh, that's what I meant.

Jamie:  Yeah, but they marry their first cousins down there.
Sarah:  I'm so happy that my first cousin is a retard, so I'm not even tempted.

Sarah:  We called him 'Bobby'.
Chris: Why? Did he look like a 'Bobby'?
Sarah:  No, 'cause he's fucking retarded!

Jamie:  What do you want?
Sarah:  Lower, lower! Oh my god!

Jamie:  Sarah . . . ?
Sarah: Oh my god! Yes!

Vince: Jamie and I are communicating telepathically, but
I have a headache now, so I can't send.

Chris: I wanna take the 900MHz chip out of my phone and put it into my computer.

Chris: Who in their right mind would immigrate to northern New York?
Jamie: They didn't have a choice.
Chris: Huh?
Jamie: Oh wait, they didn't call that immigration.

Kiran: Chris, do you have a defective antenna?
Michelle: Yes, he does.

Alex M: See, every time we come to this room we always end up looking 
at pictures of women on Jamie's computer.

Patrick: You don't understand the purpose of having a rotation: 
there's Laetitia, Laetitia, Laetitia, someone getting banged by 
a horse, Laetitia, Laetitia . . . . 

Patrick: I wanna shit in a box and send it to Steve Case.

Ralston: If I were single for any more than, like, 4 days, I'd so be a swinger.

Chris: Look, I live with Jamie so I see porn all the 
time, and that movie was not porn.

Vince: Jamie, no! It's not legal! Jamie, stop!

Vince: I'm gonna enjoy fragging you boy.
SATAN: LIKE AN INTENSE FUNGAL GROWTH, I  ITCH FOR 
SWEET CHUNKY FRAGS, I YEARN KILL AND KILL
UNTIL THERE IS NO ENEMY BUT PEACE.  I WANT TO SEE 
YOU ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE LIKE I WANT TO RAPE 
SEDATED PREAGNANT GOATS, PENETRATING BOTH 
MOTHER AND UNBORN WITH ONE THRUST OF MY
ROCKET LAUNCHER.
Vince: SO
SATAN: So pick an IP and I'll see you there.

Jamie: I wish Hopkins would offer a course in Elite Speak.

Mike: I got a 790 on my Ebonics SAT II.

Patrick: I had a pen explode in my pocket, and I haven't taken a shower since 
then, so I have ink all over my ass.

Kiran: [Tired and in pain strains to stand up]
Vince: But think, Kiran, you may be in pain, but you've been 
dancing with Beautiful Indian Women
Kiran: Go me.

Jamie: I wanna join the Navy just so I can achieve the rank of "Rear Admiral"

Patrick: We should keep a car battery in our room, Mike, so when people 
get out of line we can just hook it up to their testicles.

Ralston: I wanna find out why I want to fuck my mom.
Vince: I know why you want to fuck your mom. She's hot.

Patrick: If it weren't socially unacceptable, I would walk 
around all day with my hand up my ass.

Gabby: "Wouldn't it be scary if I were allowed to repreduce?"

Jamie: It's so completely different with a glove on.

Patrick: Can you imagine having sex with a beached whale?

Tim: I think Ralston's very good looking, and he has a
great voice.

Ralston: I'd like to give a blowjob to a horse just to see what it's like.

Patrick: Chris, if you hacked CNN, I'd give you props.

Patrick: I came back at 3 AM and nobody was here. I felt like such an underachiever.

Patrick: Tom doesn't know what he's getting into.

Mike: Chris, your pledging SAE ranks up there among my sexual fantasies.

Michelle: How was the News-Letter tonight?
Chris: Lame and annoying. But fun, somehow, nevertheless.
Michelle: Kind of like you?

Chris: What would you title a film in which Hitler is assassinated?
Jamie: Death of a Genius.

Mike: Hey Patrick, we should be RA's next year and see who can
tag one of our residents first.

Patrick: How come your room is nice and cool, and my room is warm and smells?

Chris: Misquoting me like that would be libel. 
Mike: Who? 

Chris: Jamie, could you occupy Michelle for a moment, please?
Jamie: C'mere, baby.

Mike: There's nothing in real life that television hasn't prepared me for.

 Jamie: It's really important to me that she get this computer and she can use it.
Chris: Yeah . . .every man, woman, and child (even some pets) should have computers.
Jamie: . . . Except black people.

Chris: Hey, what's "game" in German?
Jamie: World War II.

Waitress: What would you like to drink?
Ralston: Lemonade, please.
Waitress: We only have pink lemonade. Will that be okay?
Ralston: I’ll have a coke.

Ralston: "I like these Nazis so much better than the ones in The Sound of Music."